I sit to end suffering in myself, first.

{ June 29, 2010 @ 8:36 PM } · { Uncategorized }

Dear ones,

I’ve been wanting to write but can’t seem to find words when I am sitting in front of my computer. Well, I have words, but too many and too personal. I’ve decided to let them spill whether personal or not.

Today Roshi posted about this moment. He said

Tomorrow is an imagining, yesterday a fictionalized memory. This moment, this moment is all there actually is. My function in this moment is to care.

It made me think about living in the moment, taking care of everything that is happening in this moment and not dwelling on other things (Obviously. Hence the point of his post). James and I decided to take a break. When I’m at work, I think I’m okay; I have other things on my mind to keep me occupied. The second I leave my desk, thoughts of him and our relationship flood in.

Despite where you thought this post was going (living in the moment), I’ve decided to push it down another path. I’d like to talk about heartache.  Let me give you an extremely brief background with my experience in this: I dated a young man for about 2 yrs, suffered physical loss and loss of him very quickly. I also let my life go down a path of distruction, which, at the time I thought was just a way to cope or cover up my pain.  I sat in front of Roshi in hopes of him telling me how to fix it. Like a typical Zen teacher, he tells me to sit with it.

So, I did. I sat with everything. Emotions and tears came out as I looked at my reflection from that plain white wall. My point is, in relationships, we need to have something else to live for. I’m not saying to not live for your significant other, I’m saying if that’s all you do, your loss will be greater and peace will be that much harder to welcome in. I’ve learned that I need to sit and find the reasons that make me argue or push my partners buttons. Once I weed through all the bullshit packed in the back of my mind, I can find the source and deal with it, in that moment and every moment it pops up.

We say we sit to end all suffering, to be one with the universe, but it starts with us first. I sit to end suffering in myself, first. If I am not suffering, I can’t cause others to suffer. I need to sit after work and let work stress leave me at the cushion that way, when I go home, I don’t take it out on my partner. When I have stress from my partner, (first, I discuss with him, then) I sit. Find the real source, deal at the moment. If you’re suffering from heartache, this is the perfect way to find out what got you to this point, how to deal when it comes up again, and learn how to deal with your pain – one breath at a time.

I’m rambling now. Take what you will from this.

Gassho,

Rev. Kajo

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