She turns around and looks at me with this concerned expression and says “You should. You can’t just let him go like that. I know it’s hard, but you can’t just let someone walk away if you’re still having a hard time letting go. You love him. I’ve heard you talk about him…”
Wow.

I’ve been wanting to write but can’t seem to find words when I am sitting in front of my computer. Well, I have words, but too many and too personal. I’ve decided to let them spill whether personal or not.

Today Roshi posted about this moment. He said

Tomorrow is an imagining, yesterday a fictionalized memory. This moment, this moment is all there actually is. My function in this moment is to care.

It made me think about living in the moment, taking care of everything that is happening in this moment and not dwelling on other things (Obviously. Hence the point of his post). James and I decided to take a break. When I’m at work, I think I’m okay; I have other things on my mind to keep me occupied. The second I leave my desk, thoughts of him and our relationship flood in.

Despite where you thought this post was going (living in the moment), I’ve decided to push it down another path. I’d like to talk about heartache.  Let me give you an extremely brief background with my experience in this: I dated a young man for about 2 yrs, suffered physical loss and loss of him very quickly. I also let my life go down a path of distruction, which, at the time I thought was just a way to cope or cover up my pain.  I sat in front of Roshi in hopes of him telling me how to fix it. Like a typical Zen teacher, he tells me to sit with it.

So, I did. I sat with everything. Emotions and tears came out as I looked at my reflection from that plain white wall. My point is, in relationships, we need to have something else to live for. I’m not saying to not live for your significant other, I’m saying if that’s all you do, your loss will be greater and peace will be that much harder to welcome in. I’ve learned that I need to sit and find the reasons that make me argue or push my partners buttons. Once I weed through all the bullshit packed in the back of my mind, I can find the source and deal with it, in that moment and every moment it pops up.

We say we sit to end all suffering, to be one with the universe, but it starts with us first. I sit to end suffering in myself, first. If I am not suffering, I can’t cause others to suffer. I need to sit after work and let work stress leave me at the cushion that way, when I go home, I don’t take it out on my partner. When I have stress from my partner, (first, I discuss with him, then) I sit. Find the real source, deal at the moment. If you’re suffering from heartache, this is the perfect way to find out what got you to this point, how to deal when it comes up again, and learn how to deal with your pain – one breath at a time.

I’m rambling now. Take what you will from this.

Gassho,

Rev. Kajo

Good evening. I’ve been wanting more than anything to lose this weight that I put on in the beginning of 2007. I lose some of it, gain it back, gain some more, lose a bit. Diego the dog has been really encouraging me on walks. We walk about 30 minutes a day, but when we come near the house, he wants to keep going. I think, today, if he pulls me to keep going, I will go.

Along with my daily walks, I’ve decided to do a test run on a new lifestyle. I will cut out white carbs and high sodium products. While I already have a disgust of high sodium foods, I feel, physically that I need to cut out MORE salt. Yes, I said I will doing a test run. Most people I’ve talked to about this say that I need to try this for two weeks. If after two weeks, I feel I can go on without hessitation, then do it. If I feel I’m not ready, I can bring SOME of those white carbs back in for a few more weeks, then remove them again one at a time.

…only if I could get James the bf to go along with us on walks.

Which brings me to what I really wanted to talk about. All this lifestyle change came to heart/mind because of James. He is a little heavy in the mid-section. Because of this, he has severe back problems. I feel his pain and too often end up “hanging out” in bed because he’s comfortable laying down. Not healthy. I can’t let myself get there either.  When others are suffering like this, it sometimes rubs off on us. We start feeling their pain; it’s way more than sympathy. It brings us down. Well, my practice right now has a goal. Get back up! When I start feeling down or lazy, literally get back up. I always tell people “you need to put a little pip in your step”; I need to do just that. Sit and find what the real source is of the suffering I relate to, then get back up and put some pip in my step.

Get back up and put some pip in your step!!!

Gassho,

Kajo

Warning: If you feel that talking of God makes seems inappropriate in the group, you might want to avoid this blog.

As of late, …actually, as of  Bobby’s Shukke Tokudo, I’ve been feeling a call from God. Weird, I know, but it’s true. Bobby’s devotion and desire to wait to become a priest was very touching. I never knew until Roshi told us.  When I became a priest, I jumped right in, mostly because of a desire to learn more and to teach and be testimony. It wasn’t wrong, it was just a different path than what Bobby took.

As Roshi was talking during the ceremony, I felt a need to be closer with the Lord, that I’ve not necessarily been repressing, but have been putting aside. Well, not exactly. I’ve been weaving this Buddhist/Christian way of living for quite some time. It’s not a chore, don’t get me wrong, I love my path. I love that it intrigues people enough to sit through a conversation about it. I feel it kind of opens others eyes and makes me more comfortable talking about it.  What I’m trying to say is, I will not being sitting on Sunday mornings anymore. Christian churches meet on Sunday  mornings, and I feel that God wants me back in church. What church? I don’t know. I grew up Catholic and converted to Baptist in high school. When I got to college, I got a gig singing at a Methodist church and began attending those services, even when I wasn’t singing. Point is, I need to do some “Church Shopping” to find where I need to be, where I can be closer to God. So, if you are in Cruces and would like to recommend a church, hollahhhh. Please take into consideration that I do no thoroughly enjoy “Assembly of God”-type churches. I like that style of worship,but I don’t like it all the time.

This reminds me of what my dad used to tell me (PS I miss you dad). When discussing religion, he would say “you don’t need to go to any specific church to worship God. You can have church at home, in your living room, in your heart.” While I do agree with him, I also feel that I need a closer fellowship with Christians. …just like I feel I need a closer fellowship with Buddhists, specifically people in my age group (No offense older Sangha; I love and cherish the relationship I have with you).

So, enough with the rambling. I still feel the need to start my own Zenster type of group. I will need to find another location which will allow us to meet another day/evening of the week. And yes, I will continue my buddhist practice.

Gassho,

Kajo

Within the first 15 minutes or so, a man spoke and was explaining what the Buddha taught. He said [paraphrasing, of course], We have this glass, its beautiful, we likes how it looks, its pretty, when we tap it, it makes nice sounds. It holds my water just right.  When this cup gets knocked over on to the ground, it breaks. Of course, he said, it breaks. Knowing that this cup is broken or will be broken, it makes me appreciate it more when I have it before its broken.

It’s a good way to think of appreciation. 

I’ll probably have more to write when this program is over.

Gassho,

Rev. Kajo

I’ve been meaning to write. I think constantly about topics that are floating in my head that need to get out.

Yesterday evening was beautiful. Diego the dog and I went out for a long walk and ended up in the desert area where Mars meets the cut off part of Roadrunner. Diego had a blast sniffing and chasing anything in his path.  I let him off leash and started talking to my great friend Dylan (creosoteheart) about just doing what we have to do so we can earn what we are working for. For him, it’s a masters degree. When Diego the dog and I got home, I began replying to an email that Kristy (from the Yahoo! group) and I had been talking about. She said something about how she felt disappointed that she was doing what she knows she should be doing. It was just a matter of doing it. I agreed.

I started thinking of all this “Just do it” stuff that had to be done. A few days ago, I even said those exact words to Katia. Just do it. Well, this applies to everything in life and especially our practice. I know I’ve written about this before, but it’s a constant reminder in my life. I may tell myself I’m too busy or even say that I have other more important things to do. In all actuality, I don’t. We don’t. We just don’t want to. Who wants to work a looonnngg day and go home and mindfully sit or meditatively do the dishes? Not I? Well, if I just do it, it will become a habit that I enjoy doing. It will no longer be a chore to practice; it will be a daily activity in my schedule that doesn’t HAVE to be done, but something that just is. Whatever is on your heart that needs to be done…well, Just Do It! Once its done, its done. You can then move forward with whatever is next to be done. Why procrastinate? If I put off my practice, it makes it that much harder for me to sit still when my toosh hits the zafu.

Homework? Do it. Much needed talk? Do it. Regular practicing/healing? Just do it already!

Just do it! (and do it mindfully :])

Gassho,

Rev. Kajo

Forgive my absentness from writing. This weekend was spent getting my much needed rest. I also moved back in a house with my brothers. Family is nice to have around.

I spent the weekend thinking of what kind of group I want mine to be. Will I chant? Will I use bells, bowls, Buddhas, or insense? Most likely. Will I be a buddha? Yes. Will I be Buddhist? Who knows. “Buddhism” will depend on the crowd I draw. Perhaps they will be coming for meditation because it is freeing. Maybe they will come because they seek something. Who knows.

I was thinking about including the Three Refuges:

I take refuge in the Buddha together with all Beings

Before I could finish, I began thinking of the Four Great Vows, but again, only one of them:

However inexhaustible my delusions are,
I vow to extinguish them all.

People really respond to both of these lines. I take refuge in the Buddha together with all beings – I take refuge. We want refuge and the Three refuges are what we take refuge in and it makes us feel safe. However inexhaustible my delusions are, I vow to extinguish them all. That’s why a lot of us sit, right? (Well, not the sole reason, but a big reason.)

I think these two will definitely be included. What sutras do you study and why? Which do you think will be beneficial for a freestyle zenster group?

Gassho,
Rev. Kajo

Apologies for not having written until now. Today was…interesting to say the least. Instead of going to work at 8am, I had to be there at 7am. An hour really makes a huge difference when it comes to getting rest.

After work I met up with So Daiho Roshi and Katia. It was the best time I’ve had all week (other than with my much appreciated and loving boyfriend). We talked about religion/zen/christianity. We discussed god and what we believe. I declined dinner with them, even though I wanted the conversations to continue, because I have had very little sleep.

I just want to touch on what I told them tonight.
I told them about how I forget to ask God for physical rest. I find that when I ask him for rest, He gives me rest in Him but not necessarily physical rest. He gives me what I need the most and I accept that. Good night.

Gassho,
Rev. Kajo

PS I’m also Christian.

Good afternoon Sangha,

This morning hit me like gatorade on a football coaches back after a victory.  I woke to my alarm feeling like I didn’t really get physical rest but felt ready to take on the day. I tried going to walk with Diego the dog this morning but failed after about 5 minutes out.  Last night, Diego the dog cracked a toe nail completely off the quick (the nerve). I had to cut the nail off, leaving the nerve exposed. Last night he hobbled around as if that whole leg was completely handicapped. During the night he ripped off the make-shift bandage I put on; he seemed okay and ready to leave in the morning. The walk was fine until we hit a batch of stray rocks.  He hurt his toe and we had to turn back.  To be honest, I wasn’t too upset about cutting the walk short.  The wind felt like icicles stabbing my skin. I didn’t get to write this morning because I spent my free time caring for Diego’s hurt toe and trying to get ready for work.

I wanted to simply write about studying the way:

To study the way means to study the self.  It is always different from person to person because we experience life differently.

“To study the Way is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to be enlightened by all things of the Universe.” – Dogen

When we study the self, what we do is see the self – like looking in a mirror.  By seeing the self, we see illusions.  Our identity shifts away from being the self, to a combined state, containing also what’s there when there is no self.  We no longer remember the self, we no longer place importance on the self.  Things still happen, we still are, we breathe, we live, but there is no constant remembering of the Me, the I.  There is living in the moment, just being, letting go of the self.

When we have forgotten the self, we see all things as they are. We are one with all things as they are.  That is the way.

Gassho,

Rev. Kajo

I wanted to say:
Just keep sitting. If you let the smaller “problems” pass you by like a leaf floating down a river, your true concerns will show themselves. It is then when you can address them, through meditation. Once they are addressed, we can let them go on their way down the river. Once they are released, we will notice a change in our attitude and our outlook on life. We can simply be.
I’m not saying that it is as simple as that. It can hard and emotional. My point: Just keep sitting.

Gassho.
Kajo